HVK Archives: Rescue the family from the individualists
Rescue the family from the individualists - The Indian Express
Bharat Dogra
()
4 September 1996
Title : Rescue the family from the individualists
Author : Bharat Dogra
Publication : The Indian Express
Date : September 4, 1996
Family and local-community relationship constitute one of
the most precious aspects of human life. Yet despite this
recognition there has been a decline in family and
community ties in recent decades in most parts of the
world.
The joint family is an institution in which the
experience of elderly people, the energy of the young and
the charm of children can provide a wholesome and
fulfilling life for all family members. Children never
lack care and affection, the elderly never lack company
and nursing, the young never lack guidance and security.
The joint family is in steady decline, partly because of
some of its old weaknesses for example, the sometimes
uncompromising attitude of the senior-most member. But
the bigger share of the blame goes to the escalating
tendency to give exaggerated emphasis to one's own views
and aspirations over those of others. This is a pity,
because the world needs the joint family more than ever
before. Increased life expectancy is increasing the
proportion of the elderly. Even a lot of money spent on
care-homes for the elderly cannot get them the care they
receive in a joint family.
Second, population pressure and the pressures on two
working parents makes it sound sense for couples to have
only one child. The problem of loneliness for this child
is taken care of easily in joint families. Yet despite
these obvious advantages, the joint family is rapidly
breaking up. Indeed, even the nuclear family is in
crisis. In the UK during 1955-88 the number of broken
marriages increased sixfold. The percentage of people
living alone increased from 17 in 1971 to 26 in 1988.
The percentage of unmarried men in the age-group 30-34
increased from 15 in 1980 to 22 in 1987. If present
trends continue one in five children in the UK will be
exposed to bitter divorce battles before the age of 16.
About half of all marriages end in divorce in the US and
Sweden and fully 58 per cent in Finland. The percentage
of children born out of wedlock increased in the US from
five in 1960 to 30 in 1991. It is 50 per cent in Sweden.
Up to four million women suffer from domestic violence
each year in Germany. The decline of the nuclear family
is particularly marked in the developed countries where
economic stress cannot be held to account. In the
developed countries most marriages are relationships of
choice and partners like and love each other at the time
of marriage. Yet, despite knowledge about the distress
of divorce and the availability of counselling, why do so
many sweet relationships sour so much that separation is
the only solution? The question is part of the wider
crisis of people finding it increasingly difficult to get
along despite a big increase in material comforts. It is
even more puzzling that pleasant and polite people find
it difficult to be the same in their more durable
relationships.
While details differ, a main reason for the breakdown of
relationships is the growing inability to look at issues
from the other person's point of view and the inability
to sacrifice one's interests to accommodate the interests
of a loved one. If this willingness exists on side, it
will probably be reciprocated sooner or later. Refusal to
make adjustments is similarly likely to be reciprocated,
so that a dead-end is reached.
While it is no one's argument that mistakes are made only
by the male partner. the male partner needs to be more
caring and careful because gender injustice has persisted
for so long. In many societies the urge to dominate the
female partner remains strong. In others there is
greater outward recognition of gender equality but men
feel confused and distressed by their changing role in
the relationship. The high incidence of domestic
violence in the developed countries is an indication that
gender justice has miles to go.
Adjustment with loved ones requires more time set aside
from professional and entertainment pursuits. This
certainly applies to relationships with children. In
some families children suffer from shocking abuse but, in
an increasing number, while children's material demands
are readily met, parents do not spend enough time with
them. The best gift parents can give their children,
apart from their own good relationship, is a value system
to make them responsible citizens. But parents can do so
only if they live by those values. Nothing smothers
children's faith more than double standards.
The family is to be valued not just for its warmth and
security but also for its most basic training for
responsible citizenship. Its basic value - accommodating
others and enabling us to give up self-interest for the
aspirations of others is invaluable in the community and
the world.
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